That Sinking Feeling: When the Person Who's Supposed to Help Hurts
The car ride home is silent. Not a peaceful quiet, but a loud, ringing silence, heavier than any argument you had in the therapist's office. You stare out the window, replaying the session. The way they seemed to nod more when your partner spoke, the subtle interruption when you tried to explain your side, the vague, unhelpful advice that landed with a thud in the sterile room. You feel more alone now, sitting next to your partner, than you did before you asked for help.
Let's just name that feeling. It's a specific kind of betrayal. You walked into that room with the most fragile parts of your heart and your relationship, trusting a professional to handle them with care. When that trust is misplaced, the hurt is profound. That knot in your stomach isn't an overreaction; it’s your intuition screaming that something is fundamentally wrong.
As your emotional anchor, Buddy, I need to tell you this: Your willingness to even try counseling is a testament to your courage. It shows a deep, brave desire to heal and reconnect. That goodness is your core truth, regardless of one professional's failure. Sometimes, the problem isn't your marriage—it's the mediator. Recognizing the signs of a bad marriage counselor isn't about giving up; it's about protecting the very hope that led you there in the first place.
The Unmistakable Red Flags: A BS-Detector's Guide to Bad Therapy
Alright, enough with the sinking feeling. Let's get sharp. Hope is essential, but naive hope is dangerous. You need a finely tuned BS-detector to separate genuine help from harmful incompetence. As Vix, my job is to hand you the manual.
These aren't just 'bad vibes.' These are clear, identifiable, and unacceptable signs of a bad marriage counselor. Don't explain them away. Don't pay for the privilege of being misunderstood.
The Biased Referee: This is the most glaring red flag. If you consistently feel the therapist is taking sides, it's a catastrophic failure. Their job is to support the relationship, not to crown a winner in your arguments. If one person is always framed as the 'problem' and the other as the 'victim,' the therapeutic alliance is broken. This is a clear sign your counselor lacks the fundamental skill of neutrality.
The Passive Observer: A therapy session should not be a verbal cage match with a paid spectator. A competent therapist actively manages conflict, de-escalates tension, and provides tools for communication. If your sessions devolve into the same old yelling matches with no intervention or structure, you're not in therapy. You're just having a supervised fight. A total lack of structure in sessions is one of the most telling signs of a bad marriage counselor.
The Preacher with a Personal Agenda: A therapist's role is to help you clarify your own values, not to impose theirs on you. If they push you towards a specific outcome—like staying together or divorcing—based on their personal beliefs about marriage, family, or gender roles, this is deeply unethical therapist behavior. Your life choices are not theirs to make.
The One-Size-Fits-All 'Expert': You explain a nuanced, painful experience, and they respond with a generic platitude you could find on a coffee mug. Feeling unheard in therapy is profoundly invalidating. A good counselor listens, reflects, and asks questions that show they grasp the unique dynamics of your relationship. If you feel like just another appointment slot, it's because you are. These are all critical signs of a bad marriage counselor, and ignoring them will only cause more damage.
How to 'Break Up' With Your Therapist (and Find a Better One)
Once you've spotted the red flags, staying is no longer a strategy for healing; it's an endorsement of dysfunction. As Pavo, your strategist, I'm here to tell you: it's time to make a move. Firing your therapist isn't a failure; it's a powerful executive decision to protect your emotional and financial investment.
Here is the action plan. No drama, no prolonged goodbyes. Just clean, decisive action.
Step 1: Reframe the Decision.
You are not 'giving up.' You are ending a professional contract for services that were not rendered effectively. This is a consumer protection issue, not a personal failing. You have the absolute right to terminate a professional relationship that is not serving you. Acknowledging this is the first step when you're deciding when to fire your therapist.
Step 2: Choose Your Exit Method and Use a Script.
You owe them nothing more than a professional notification. You do not need to explain yourself in person unless you feel it is truly necessary.
The Email Script (Recommended): "Dear [Therapist's Name], Thank you for your time over our past few sessions. After careful consideration, we have decided not to continue with counseling at this time. We wish you all the best. Sincerely, [Your Names]."
The In-Person Script (If you must): At the end of a session, simply say, "We appreciate the work we've done, but we've decided that this will be our last session."
That's it. It's a complete statement. It does not invite negotiation.
Step 3: Strategize Your Next Hire.
Don't jump into another therapeutic relationship blindly. Your next search should be targeted.
Look for specific methodologies: Research counselors trained in evidence-based approaches like the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
Use the consultation call: Most therapists offer a free 15-minute call. Use it. Ask directly about their approach to managing conflict and ensuring both partners feel heard.
* Trust your gut: After Vix's reality check and this strategic plan, your intuition is now a finely tuned instrument. Use it. Identifying the signs of a bad marriage counselor the first time makes you an expert at spotting a good one the next time.
FAQ
1. What is considered unethical behavior for a marriage counselor?
Unethical behavior includes breaking confidentiality, imposing personal, religious, or moral values on clients, having a dual relationship (e.g., being friends or business partners), and failing to maintain professional boundaries. One of the most common signs of a bad marriage counselor in a session is consistently taking one partner's side, which compromises the neutrality required for effective therapy.
2. Can bad marriage counseling make a relationship worse?
Yes, absolutely. A therapist who allows for unstructured conflict, shows bias, or offers poor advice can increase resentment and animosity. Instead of healing, the couple may leave sessions feeling more polarized and hopeless, making the experience actively harmful to the relationship.
3. How do I know if my therapist is taking my partner's side?
Pay attention to patterns. Do they frequently interrupt you but not your partner? Do their summary statements consistently validate your partner's perspective while questioning yours? Do they frame the relationship's problems as solely your fault or responsibility? If you consistently feel unheard or defensive, it's a strong indicator of therapist bias.
4. Is it okay to switch marriage counselors?
Yes, it is more than okay—it is often necessary. The 'therapeutic fit' is one of the most significant factors in successful counseling. If the approach isn't working or you don't feel safe and respected, finding a new therapist who is a better match for you and your partner is a proactive and healthy decision for your relationship.
References
forbes.com — Signs Of A Bad Therapist: 12 Red Flags To Watch For